With friends like these

How do you deal with a tacky RSVP?
We pose the question to our etiquette darling, Candy Girl.

Dear Candy Girl: Several of my invited friends have responded that they intend to be present at our reception but not the ceremony. I find this appalling; how should I handle it?

O.K. So it sounds like what you’re telling Candy Baby is that you’re worried your bosom buddies have no interest in watching you, in all your gowned glory, walk down the aisle, but instead are passionately concerned with the promise of a buffet. Yes, this does seem rather suspicious.

Having remained a bachelorette, Candy Girl was afraid, while trying to answer this question, that she couldn’t do it justice as an outsider. So, she asked one of her married friends, the Wedding Belle, to dispense a little perspective into the mind of a married Madame.

As it would turn out, La Belle had once been stuck in this exact same situation at her own nuptials. Can-can had forgotten all about it. (La Belle, a true lady, didn’t see fit to keep bringing it up, having been friends with said guest since before they understood the importance of antiperspirant and underwire.)

Here’s the story, as much as Candy Apple can recall (La Belle may have a different version, but these column inches belong to yours truly, after all): The offending partygoer knew way in advance that she wouldn’t be able to attend the actual wedding ceremony (previous commitments prevented her presence), and told La Belle that she’d make it to the reception. Well! You’ve never seen such a freeze-out. She showed up at the party to a sea of glares and whispers, not to mention an icy stare down from the happy couple.

Later, as she sat down with her measly plate of nosh (it was rumored that some guests overstuffed their platter simply out of spite, but Le Candy can’t confirm it), she reasoned that it would have been in poor taste to arrive late to the ceremony. (For the record, Candy is in agreement with this; it is simply unacceptable to be tardy. Unless, of course, you’re the lead in a romantic comedy and your arrival—and subsequent admittance of love for the bride or groom—means the climax of the entire plot. That, friends, is the only exception.) A few months later, the reception-goer sent an expensive dish and a note thanking Belle for the invitation and the lovely time she had. All was forgiven.

Candy says: While it’s generally agreed that only attending the reception and not the ceremony is, shall we say, tacky, these days brides should understand that time and distance constraints give wedding guests an excuse for showing up only to chow down. In La Belle’s case, her invitee followed all the rules: She sent in her RSVP early, and then sent a thoughtful gift. If your guests have any sense of decorum, which seems to be the case, they will do the same.

Thus, it would behoove you to leave this as a non-issue. Bringing it up would only make it awkward during the time you will be together and you’ll already have wedding-day annoyances aplenty.
Plus, you’ll be getting a gift either way. As best as Girlfriend can tell (from the pile of etiquette books she keeps on her bedside table), you could be receiving presents from your attendees for up to a year after the wedding! Now that’s cause for celebration.

© C-VILLE UNIONS